Dear Hack: I had to spit out some promo copy today in which we promised readers a certain item as a “bonus.” The suit made me change it to “free bonus.” Next the account supervisor changed it to “FREE bonus.” and finally someone changed it to “FREE BONUS GIFT!” People insist on tampering with my art. How can I cope?
– Dispirited in Des Moines
Dear Dispirited: Absinthe. I’m not clear on exactly what it is, but I’ve been drinking it since 1926 and haven’t blinked since.
Dear Hack: I’ve been assigned to write yet another Easter coupon ad for our beverage client. That’s three years I’ve been churning out this garbage and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get to work on another account.
– Rutbound
Dear Rutbound: No doubt you’ve been spewing stuff related to family and friends or stocking up or some crap. Why not focus on the holiday? Something like this.
HEAD: Roll away the stone and SAVE!
COPY: Nothing works up a thirst like marking a gruesome, torturous crucifixion and subsequent resurrection, so be sure to use our coupon and save when you stock up on…blah, blah, blah.
A new account is sure to come your way.
Dear Hack: Why won’t anyone let art directors do radio?
– Pierced in the Big Apple
Dear Pierced: Art directors would “design” radio spots using dead air as white space. They would make voice talent whisper through delay effects and hi band eq filters and insist on haunting music from some obscure dead Czeck midi composer. Now be gone. It is the green hour and I am late for my hallucinations.
