Terrorist Union Demands Improved Virgins
Rank and file terrorists are threatening to strike unless their demands for improved working conditions are met, rancorous, though nervous terrorist union members said.
“We were promised 72 black eyed virgins,” complained a terrorist Akbar Wilson, who cannot recall his actual name. “Yes, they are virgins, but one look at them explains why. Surely this is not heaven.”
In a statement released though the Al Jazeera network, terrorist spokesperson Ahkmed Mazri defended the bag-ugly virgin policy, noting that the unattractiveness guarantees the virgins will remain as such for all eternity. “This way we don’t have to constantly restock the afterlife with attractive virgins,” he claimed.
Currently both sides are intransigent. If terrorist management refuses to upgrade the afterlife virgins, fanatics such as Wilson threaten to reduce the scale of their terrorist targets. “Instead of mass destruction and disruption, we will embarrass the jihad with halfhearted attacks on household appliances and perhaps the occasional toll plaza,” said Wilson.”This could all be avoided if management would come to the bargaining table.”
That is unlikely. Says Mazri. “We don’t negotiate with terrorists. Period.”
The terrorist workforce is also demanding streamlined martyrdom procedures and more employee friendly working conditions. Though terrorists are instructed to strap bombs to themselves and explode amidst infidels, the terrorist employee manual maintains that martyrdom is achieved even if an infidel is not injured.
“We’d be happier terrorists if we could just stay home and blow ourselves up. The commutes on these suicide missions are deadly.” said disgruntled terrorist Mohamed Osso Guizant. “People work from home all the time these days. Come on, this is the fifteenth century, isn’t it?
Added Wilson hastily, “But all this is moot without better virgins. That’s the key issue. With better virgins we could bend on the other stuff.”
When asked of the controversy, the bag-ugly virgins merely smiled coyly and resumed shaving.
(This is satire)
