Nicknamed “the Effervescer,” the high-tech refreshment weapon promises to “vanquish thirst with a tsunami of real cola taste,” according to Coke spokesman Tamara Baktras.

Developed under a joint project with Northrop-Grumman and Raytheon, the Effervescer recently completed secret trials in Carbondale, IL, where it successfully reduced thirst below measurable levels.

“Until now, people have had to consciously monitor their thirsts,” explained Baktras. “When it reached an unacceptable threshhold they would then have to intiate a personal refreshment strategy. The Effervescer eliminates such clumsy manual protocol with automatic, preemptive cola refreshment. It’s just that simple.”

Technology to the rescue
According to Coca-Cola engineers, the Effervescer is an “amalgam of cross-discipline, cutting edge technologies coalescing in a global beverage solution.” Onboard sensors monitor glottal humidity within the target in real time and combine the results with other data, such as saliva production, to determine a target’s thirst threshhold.

When an alert is triggered, the target is “painted” by trained refreshment specialists in the field. Next, GPS coordinates are sent to the nearest Effervescer, which then satisifes the target with a molecularized and accelerated plasma of crisp, cold Coca-Cola. “Our mission has always been to have Coca-Cola within arm’s reach of desire,” said a secret company mascot. “With the Effervescer we’ve really eliminated the need for arms at all.”

Still a few bugs
A date for the official deployment of the remotely piloted refreshment munition will not be announced until project engineers at Coke, Northrop and Raytheon fine-tune the system.

The field tests in Carbondale included cases of collateral refreshment damage in which some targets, most notably pets and domestic livestock, were refreshed erroneously.

Also, engineers and programmers are still tweaking the commerce module, which will bill each target per refreshment episode.
(this is satire)

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