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INT.OFFICE, A SECRET FLOOR -- DAY
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Meanwhile, Harry and Donna set out to
spy on the New York team.
The MAIL CLERK (the Office Depot "rubberband man") lets Harry
and Donna into a restricted area and exits. They search
through the paperwork of the New York team, layouts, etc.
NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
When they discovered the awful truth.
DONNA
These guys are trying to steal our
business, and they get window offices?
HARRY
(HAVING FOUND AN INTERESTING DOCUMENT)
Actually they're trying to close our
business. If we don't make numbers
this time, they can shut us down.
DONNA
We've missed our numbers before.
HARRY
Yeah, but now we have some fat
salaries getting a little too close to
retirement. Haven't you noticed how
cranky Cribby's been?
DONNA
I thought he was just low on scotch.
They jump at the sound of the elevator bell and desperately
search for a hiding place, settling on a stall in the men's
room. A NEW YORKER enters and stands at the urinal. DONNA
takes a swig from her antacid and drops the cap. The New
Yorker walks to the stall door to investigate. DONNA grabs
HARRY and kisses him passionately as the NEW YORKER hurls
open the door. He hastily excuses himself and exits.
HARRY
Wow. I liked that more than I should
have. I'm going to have to rethink
some things.
DONNA
(Flattered) Really?
Harry and Donna separate, revealing that they both have
Maalox mustaches.
HARRY
Yeah, I usually hate wild cherry.
CUT TO:
INT. SMALL MARKET --DAY
Darcia brings a Snapple and gum to the register. Dunbar
watches from behind his newspaper, the New York Times.
KAI
You like spicy gum.
DARCIA
Yes, I like a little tingle.
KAI
That fit your demo. You also catalog
shop. Name and phone number please.
DARCIA
Wait a minute. I know you! You're on
those billboards! Very cute.
KAI
Is Kai happy with them? Yes. Would Kai
like still greater recognition?
Certainly. Will Kai someday franchise
and go national? Definitely.
DARCIA
You should do TV. The camera would
love you. I'll be in town for a while.
Give me a call and let's work up a
bid.
Darcia exits.
Kai
(TO DUNBAR) This not library.
Dunbar brings the paper to the counter and pays.
KAI (CONT'D)
You from New York?
DUNBAR
Not yet.
KAI
(OFF DUNBAR'S INTEREST IN DARCIA) She
like a little tingle.
CUT TO:
INT. LLOYD'S OFFICE -- DAY
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Though David normally resented
unnatural presentation tricks, given
his past performance, he decided to
try them at an internal meeting.
Dunbar and David settle on the sofa as Lloyd rolls up his
sleeves and sits in a chair western style.
LLOYD
We're talking about the kids' ad,
right? Twelve to fourteen-year-olds?
What do we got?
DUNBAR
We've approached it stylistically
since young minds are more susceptible
to graphic treatments.
DAVID
Which explains comic books, video
games, capri pants…
LLOYD
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
DUNBAR
So for a visual we're thinking of
something like this.
David opens a reference book and displays a page.
DUNBAR (CONT'D)
It's bold and intense, so it really
pops. I want to give it a postmodern
feel.
DAVID
What is postmodern, I mean, for a
twelve-year-old?
LLOYD
We can research that.
DUNBAR
(TO DAVID) And you have some copy?
DAVID
Yeah, I have some thoughts.
David reaches beside him for a book and displays it. Before
he speaks, he remembers to touch and turn.
DAVID (CONT'D)
I want to do something with this kind
of feel.
Lloyd squints at the book.
LLOYD
Dickens? Is he public domain?
DUNBAR
I thought Michael Jackson bought his
catalog.
DAVID
Doesn't matter. We'll do our own
Dickensian copy.
David shakes his thumb-capped fist with each of the following
points.
DAVID (CONT'D)
We'll go first-person narrative,
elaboration, social consciousness -
all driven by - thirst. It's a bold
concept. Is it safe? No. Will it make
the client nervous? Probably. Will it
win us an award? Definitely.
DUNBAR
This could roll out into bobbleheads.
Lloyd nods like a bobblehead, inhales deeply and closes his
eyes, touching his hand to his head. He seems to be
telepathically contacting his advertising muse.
LLOYD
That's…it's….
Lloyd, recovering from his reverie, opens his eyes to
proclaim…
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Breakthrough!
MUSIC: Drum intro to Led Zeppelin song "Rock and Roll" as
used by Cadillac. DAVID experiences quick flashes of a
zooming Cadillac as he watches LLOYD talk. LLOYD seems to be
mouthing the lyrics as Robert Plant sings "been a long time
since I Rock n' Rolled…" then out abruptly to real time.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Let's go with it…
David and Dunbar collect their books to leave. LLOYD ushers
them out.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
But see me before the meeting. We'll
have to put on our suits of armor and
do some serious lap dancing. Tap
dancing.
David and Dunbar are now outside Lloyd's office as the door
closes. Jennifer sits at her desk.
DUNBAR
Was that a good meeting?
DAVID
It was the best of meetings, it was
the worst of meetings.
DUNBAR
Well, make up my mind.
Dunbar crosses off.
JENNIFER
You okay? You look kind of scattered.
DAVID
I don't know. I'm hearing voices. You
ever hear voices?
JENNIFER
I've heard sweet nothings. (BEAT) Oh,
you're still not flirting. I hear an
old Selectric once in a while. I think
this place is haunted.
DAVID
If it's not, it should be. Thanks
Jackie.
David crosses off.
DAVID (O.S.) (CONT'D)
I'm kidding.
CITYSCAPE WITH AGENCY BUILDING. EXT.-- TIME LAPSE DAY TO
EVENING.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So on the eve of a meeting that would
make or break the agency...
INT. AGENCY CONFERENCE ROOM -- LATE NIGHT
Pizza boxes and wadded paper litter the floor, layouts and
headlines are pinned to the walls, tight shots of
concentration, frustration etc.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
...they papered the walls and floors
with ideas, while Dunbar took
unusually detailed notes...
Flashback: (continuation from earlier scene)
Harry and Donna exit men's room on the secret floor. They
wipe antacid from their mouths and take the elevator. Just as
the doors close, another elevator door opens. Dunbar exits
and looks around furtively as he swipes a security card into
the secure location of the New York team's secret offices.
NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
which he promised to share with the
New York team in return for a place in
their presentation, hoping his
willingness to two-time his coworkers
would prove he was New York material.
Back to present:
DAVID
Okay, what do we got?
DUNBAR
Let's see. Tattoos. Stunt blimps. Ads
in textbooks. And TV programming with
built in commercials.
Donna takes a big, refreshing pull from a Snapple, nearly a
hero shot.
DONNA
Scratch that one. Never gonna happen.
DUNBAR
(CONTINUING) Proximity triggered audio
chips, commercials broadcast on baby
monitor frequencies, and telepathy.
That's it.
DAVID
We're gonna need more than that.
DUNBAR
(GETTING UP TO LEAVE) Well, I'm worn
out.
DAVID
But you haven't had one idea.
DUNBAR
I'm selling the ideas tomorrow. I
gotta be fresh.
HARRY
Well, you better sell the hell out of
them.
DUNBAR
Oh, I will.
Dunbar exits.
DAVID
I'd feel a lot better with Lloyd
presenting.
HARRY
What do you suggest? Tell him
corporate made up an award just to get
him out of the office?
David considers it.
JENNIFER
It would kill him.
David still considers it.
DONNA
Put yourself in his shoes.
DAVID
The desert boots or the Wallabees?
Cribby and Lloyd enter, both somewhat in the sauce and with
drinks in hand.
LLOYD
Ah, a war room. I almost miss being in
the trenches.
Lloyd settles at the table. Cribby freshens his drink.
CRIBBY
Dang straight. Remember that five-day
porcine mating event to name those
diapers?
LLOYD
(REMEMBERING FONDLY) "Snookums. For
baby's precious cargo." That was some
of our best, Cribby.
CRIBBY
That's when advertising was teaching
the world to hum instead of
gumflappin' about danged feminine itch
at the dinner hour!
HARRY
We're inventing new media.
LLOYD
Product placement?
HARRY
Kind of. But they want to go waaaay
out there.
CRIBBY
Then what are we talkin' about.
Crabgrass that grows in the shape of a
logo? (LAUGHS HEARTILY)
David, Harry and Donna write on their pads.
LLOYD
Holy crap.
CRIBBY
How the hell are we gonna charge a
media commission on (bleep) crabgrass!
All right, then. Sand traps. The sand
settles into the shape of your slogan
or logo or whatever the hell it is.
David writes "sand traps" on a layout page and pins it to the
wall.
CRIBBY (CONT'D)
Sell that one, dammit. I'm due for a
trip to Pebble Beach. And whoever
pulls this off gets a dang company
car. And that ain't just the scotch
talkin'.
LLOYD
Knock it out of the park tomorrow, and
some of you might get a lifetime
achievement award some day. Because
this company cares about its people.
Well, I better go home and pack.
Lloyd and Cribby head for the door.
JENNIFER
Lloyd, leave the dickey at home.
HARRY
Please.
LLOYD
If you say so, Jackie.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM AT CLIENT.
Harry, Donna and David sit outside a conference room. An
automated mailcart stops at a secretary's station and knocks
over a plant. The secretary replaces the plant in its
original location.
DONNA
Where the hell is Dunbar?
HARRY
It's not like him to miss a chance to
seem important.
DAVID
If he doesn't show, who's going to...
Harry and Donna eyeball David, who sighs and hangs his head.
DONNA
Who's got the talking audio chip? That
might save our ass.
DAVID
Asses. Save our asses.
Harry Fruitlessly searches his coat pockets.
HARRY
I know I had it.
DONNA
This is turning into a sitcom.
The conference room doors open.
MINION #1
We're ready for you now.
The group enters the conference room and settles in at the
table with TOP EXEC and his MINIONS.
FLASHBACK: INT. AGENCY OFFICE SECRET FLOOR -- MORNING.
The NEW YORKERS gather at the elevator bank. Dunbar excuses
himself and disappears around the corner. Once he's out of
sight, the New Yorkers board an elevator and abandon him.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
In fact, just a few hours earlier, as
the New York team had gathered for
their presentation, Dunbar suffered a
nervous bladder and visited the men's
room.
Dunbar stands at the urinal.
JENNIFER (O.S.)
(RECORDED ON CHIP) So that's a Dickey!
It's a tiny little thing.
Dunbar jumps, making a mess of himself.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Where he discovered the missing audio
chip.
Back to present:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY
Donna stands and sets up the meeting as Harry and David sit
at the table and confer.
DONNA
You asked us to reinvent advertising,
and we pulled out all the
stops...(CONTINUING UNDER)
HARRY
(SOTTO VOCE) Don't panic. We still got
plenty of ammo.
DAVID
(SOTTO VOCE) We got stunt blimps and
sand traps.
HARRY
(SOTTO VOCE) Plenty of ammo.
DONNA
(Up FROM UNDER) And now I'm going to
let David Lawrence take you through
the work.
David moves to the head of the room.
MUSIC UNDER: Tom Waits's "Step Right Up"
DAVID
The problem? People are ignoring
advertising. The solution? Make it a
part of everyday life.
LYRICS
That's right, you too can be the proud
owner of the quality goes in before
the name goes on...
Montage: David presenting, pantomiming, his confidence
growing. The Top Exec and his Minions react thoughtfully and
favorably. DONNA and HARRY exchange smiles. David winds up
his performance.
MUSIC FADEOUT:
DAVID
...so in the perfect world we propose,
if you're not being exposed to
advertising, you're technically dead.
TOP EXEC
I love it. (TO MINIONS) Don't you boys
love it?
Minions nod.
TOP EXEC (CONT'D)
Just one question. Why bring the same
ideas your New York office showed me
two hours ago?
DONNA
Well, the creative process is a
mysterious thing. Sometimes...
TOP EXEC
Look, if that's all you got, I'll give
the business to New York. Great
restaurants up there.
DAVID
Wait, I have one wild thought. I
haven't even told my partner about
this one yet. Maybe if you gave us a
day to...
TOP EXEC
Let's hear it.
Harry masks his terror with a smile.
DAVID
Okay then. Crime scene tape.
Reaction shots.
Harry begins sketching visual aids.
DAVID (CONT'D)
You watch the news. What do you see
every night? Crime. Well, with your
message on crime scene tape, that's
free impressions.
MINION #1
I'm not sure we want to be associated
with crime.
DAVID
This brand is built on what's
authentic. Doesn't that include the
gritty, the edgy?
MINION #2
But homicide?
DAVID
Oh, not just homicide - any felony
with a crime scene would be a chance
to remind consumers that it's time for
refreshment -- to drink in life while
you can.
MINION #2
It could generate cotangential
synergy.
Executives nod.
DAVID
Is it out there? Yes. Is it dangerous?
No doubt. Will it make marketing
history? Absolutely. (NOW EMPHASIZING
WITH THUMB-CAPPED FIST) It's a concept
that's bold, revolutionary, and so
real it hurts.
Harry finishes his layout depicting crime scene tape
emblazoned with refreshment logos. He displays it to the
execs.
TOP EXECUTIVE
(SMILING) You know what this idea
is?... Breakthrough!
MUSIC IN: Led Zeppelin's "Rock n' Roll" as used by Cadillac.
CUT TO:
INT. AGENCY VILLAGE GREEN --EVENING
Montage of celebration at the agency. Cribby, drink in hand,
gives David a set of car keys. DAVID puts the keys in his
coat pocket and feels something. It's Darcia's card.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So they returned to the agency for a
victory party, where David took the
keys to his new car. And unable to
decide if he'd arrived or sold out, he
went for a drive.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREETS -- EVENING CONTINUOUS TO HOTEL INT.
David drives his Cadillac to Darcia's hotel, where he tosses
the keys to an appreciative valet.
MUSIC FADEOUT:
VALET
Smooth. Clean. Lean. This is why I'm a
professional valet.
David passes through the hotel and knocks on Darcia's door.
Darcia opens it.
DARCIA
Well, isn't this a surprise. Finally
taking that vacation?
David sees a figure in Darcia's room. She has company.
DAVID
Looks like my timing's off.
DARCIA
It's just a potential client.
KAI
(REHEARSING) Ka-Ching. No, Ka-Ching.
No. Ka-Chiiiing. No, not it…Kaaaa
Ching...
DAVID
I just had a quick question for you.
DARCIA
Sure, that's why I'm here.
DAVID
(BEAT) Do we become what we hate?
Darcia notices DAVID gesturing with his thumb atop his closed
fist. He puts his hand in his pocket. They lock eyes.
DARCIA
(TO KAI) Mr. Ching, I like what you're
doing. You keep practicing, and I'll
be right back.
DARCIA and DAVID walk down the hall together.
CUT TO:
HOTEL ROOFTOP, NIGHT.
SUPER: much, much later.
David and Darcia look out over the city, sipping drinks.
DARCIA
I'm glad you finally took a little
"me" time.
DAVID
I'm glad I took a little you time,
too. It was a long day. I sold a lot
of advertising.
DARCIA
That's good, isn't it?
DAVID
Advertising that invades your personal
life.
DARCIA
What?
DAVID
And on crime scene tape.
DARCIA
That's so sick!
DAVID
I know. I know.
DARCIA
We might want to bid on that.
DAVID
Okay. (BEAT) You never answered, you
know. Do we become what we hate?
DARCIA
I don't know. Do you hate people who
talk too much?
DAVID
Yeah.
Darcia puts her head on David's shoulder. David wraps an arm
around her. They view the twinkling cityscape.
MUSIC: Colin Hay's "Waiting for my Real Life"
Slow crane over and through the city, on its way to the
agency.
LYRICS
Any minute now
my ship is coming in/ I'll keep
checking the horizon /
And I'll check my machine/ There's
sure to be that call/
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so
very soon/It's just that times are
lean/
ZOOM INTO village green as Lloyd enters from his trip with
his new award. He sees the remnants of the celebration and
smiles. He sits at Jennifer's desk and admires his Lifetime
Achievement Award. He notices David's Addy award on
Jennifer's desk and takes it to David's office. Lloyd
polishes the Addy and leaves it on David's desk next to the
Roaming Gnome.
LYRICS (CONT'D)
And you say,"Be still, my love Open up
your heart/ Let the light shine in"/
Don't you understand?/I already have a
plan/ I'm waiting for my real life to
begin
Tight on Roaming Gnome and David's Addy award.
GNOME
Beautiful, isn't it, my darling?
LYRICS
On a clear day/I can see, see a very
long way
COURIER TYPE EFFECT: The end
SFX: a Selectric types "The end," then powers off.
END OF SHOW
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.